Republican Party Census Document

Warning: I'm not quite sure if the way that I came about the following information is completely legal. Still, it seemed unfair not to share.

One of the prior occupants of my apartment (not even the previous one, but long, long before) received a letter from the Republican National Committee. On the envelope, it said: REPUBLICAN CENSUS DOCUMENT ENCLOSED.

Fortunately, they didn't seal the envelope, and I didn't have to feel completely guilty in taking a peek.

Here are the contents of the survey. I presume that these will be of interest to Republicans, Democrats, and those members of neither party, who are at all wondering what the Republicans are thinking about these days. It should be noted that the results of this survey will help to steer the Republican platform for the next ten years.

I'm hoping that by typing this out, it will stop me from filling it out and sending it in.

Also, you should be very grateful that I am typing this for you. It costs eleven dollars to tabulate each survey! I am saving the RNC a lot of money. (And, I'm not even asking you for a donation. You're welcome.)

Please answer honestly. For each question, we should reply: Yes, No, or Undecided.

Domestic and International Security

1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attack on America?

3. Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations, and all government buildings, including monuments and museums?

Economic Issues

4. Should the inheritance or "Death Tax" be permanently repealed?

5. Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy?

6. Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending? Blogger's note: Wasteful? Like what? One wonders.

Education Issues

7. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to stores local control of education?

8. Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?

9. Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?

Social Issues

10. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need?

11. Do you support the law, passed by the Republican Congress and signed by President Bush, that bans partial-birth abortions?

12. Do you support the President's efforts to save Social Security for future generations?

13. Do you think Congress should pass legislation on the Federal Marriage Amendment?

Defense Issues

14. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations' commanders?

15. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

16. Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missile attack?

I look forward to hearing your responses on any of these issues.

Dear Trent Lott,

I understand that you don't read blogs, and never will. I read this in Time magazine. I wanted to commend you on your open-mindedness, and your acute understanding that there are no blogs whose main topic isn't exposing your misdeeds.

Obviously, all blogs are about you. You, and only you.

I admit it. You're the only thing I think about, day and night. Night and day. You are a smoldering tower of masculinity and political prowess and I carry you around inside me like an extra organ.

I need you, Trent.

Please, I beg of you.

Read my blog. If you did, I'd update it more than once a month like I do now.

Love always,

Sanuvia