How I Met Nancy Kerrigan

It all began on December 21, when one of my friends named Becky here in Culpeper (hereafter referred to as Becky 1) called me at midnight.

She told me that she'd met the perfect guy for my other friend Becky (hereafter referred to as Becky 2), and asked me what her phone number was.

This all resulted in Becky 2 having a profoundly random message on her answering machine when she returned home from break. I found it all to be highly amusing--and almost identical to a scene in a screenplay I was working on under the tutelage of one Carl Kurlander, screenwriter of St. Elmo's Fire and Saved by the Bell.

It turns out that the character I most resemble is Screech. No surprise there.

But I digress.

Becky 1 hatches a scheme to introduce Becky 2 to said person. This scheme involves taking a truck load of people to go...ice skating.

It should be noted that I have never gone ice skating before, and that my prior roller skating forays were notable to my mother because she would see me speeding around the rink, then vanishing when I fell, then getting back up, then speeding around. Apparently this was hilarious.

I arrive at the skating rink with Becky 2 and her older sister. No one else is there thirty minutes later. Then, finally, Becky 1 and her boyfriend arrive, claiming that the alleged date would arrive soon. In the meantime, we watched many tiny people learning to skate by pushing buckets around the ice to keep their balance.

"I need some of those buckets," I thought. But they were only for children, it turned out.

When we finally went out to skate (the date still absent), I discovered one thing quickly: ice is slippery. I avoided doing anything silly like falling in front of thirty speeding children by pushing myself along the wall. Then, suddenly, I figured it out.

I was thinking two things as I proceeded at a slow but graceful glide around the ice.

1. Where is this guy, anyway?
2. Why on earth is that woman over there wearing age-inappropriate black lace tights and skating around on one leg like she's Nancy Kerrigan?

I was still thinking these things when the guy arrived nearly an hour and a half after the scheduled meeting time. To make a long story short, I got really good at ice skating (all things considered), Becky 1 dragged everyone out to a bar (I didn't drink), and The Date got kicked out by a bouncer because he's TWENTY and had been kicked out the NIGHT BEFORE from the SAME BAR.

In summary:

1. I can ice skate!
2. I didn't fall!
3. It was kind of exciting seeing someone get kicked out of a bar.
4. I can ice skate!

The Brief Dreams of Insomniacs

Since returning to Virginia, I've been plagued by insomnia. I stay awake for hours at night, rolling to look at the clock every so often and watch the hours ticking by.

Why can't I sleep? I wish I knew. I've been working hard to get my apartment organized, and I've been approaching the task with more than my usual vigor. I've started writing aggressively, since I now think I have a better direction for my planned series of essays on love, and a decent idea for a novel. And it's true that a certain man I'm rather fond of is due back in the United States in six days. (He was originally supposed to be back this past Sunday [edit cranky thoughts here]).

Last night, I actually got a few hours of sleep. My dream:

A ham sandwich (thinly sliced, on white bread), floating before a backdrop of soft pink and gray clouds. As I watched it, the sandwich would rotate slightly, so that I could look at it from a variety of angles. Yes, that was the entire dream, and yes, it went on for a while--until my lucid dreaming kicked in and I said, "Woah. I'm dreaming about a ham sandwich. I should wake up."

I have enjoyed some ham sandwiches in my lifetime, but not enough to dream about them. And I haven't found myself overly craving ham since becoming Muslim.

So, my questions:

1. Does anyone know any good cures for insomnia?
2. What do you think this dream means, if it's worth interpreting at all?

Happy sleeping to you all.

Don't let nobody change u for the world

I wish I could say that I have been so busy, that life has been so scintillating, that I just didn't have time to write anything for you. (Modified, with horror, from "you all". Truly I am becoming Virginian.)

In reality, I suppose I have been busy. Most days, I find that teaching drains every drop of energy out of me. There are brief, beautiful moments. For example, the note I got from one of my students, which provides us with the title for today's blog entry. An English teacher's nightmare, and an English teacher's dream.

Nothing of real note has happened, though. Imitation ladybugs began sprouting in the corners of my apartment--dozens of them, piled on top of each other. I broke up the orgy with a broom, and have been finding their bodies all over the apartment ever since.

I gave the dog a bath.

I caught a student with a knife in my class.

I watched rain fall and turn to ice twice in the last two weeks. Even now, the neighbor's lights are turning the trees to silver. All day I've been home, making biscotti, reading a book for the sheer pleasure of it.

I've been working through my religious conversion/reversion, trying to come to terms with the slight variations on my everyday life that it requires. I'm proving to be stubborn on some minor details, like the lengths of skirts and shirt sleeves.

I went to Williamsburg and saw a candle shop where the indoors are made to look like the outdoors.

I've watched the calendar days drain down. It's possible that I might be able to see my favorite man within a month's time, if all goes well. (Inshallah -- God willing -- as they say.)

I counted and realized that I have 71 poems in circulation to various magazines. It turns out that I have been a prolific writer; I have more of them that could go out, if the mood struck me. I am awaiting my rejection letters eagerly these days.

It will be a year of changes next year for me, as this year was.

What are you looking forward to in the new year? What have been your great joys this year?

I may be able to sneak through Pittsburgh during the coming break. Will anyone be around?

I miss everyone. I hope your holidays (should I not write again soon) will be lovely and safe.

Republican Party Census Document

Warning: I'm not quite sure if the way that I came about the following information is completely legal. Still, it seemed unfair not to share.

One of the prior occupants of my apartment (not even the previous one, but long, long before) received a letter from the Republican National Committee. On the envelope, it said: REPUBLICAN CENSUS DOCUMENT ENCLOSED.

Fortunately, they didn't seal the envelope, and I didn't have to feel completely guilty in taking a peek.

Here are the contents of the survey. I presume that these will be of interest to Republicans, Democrats, and those members of neither party, who are at all wondering what the Republicans are thinking about these days. It should be noted that the results of this survey will help to steer the Republican platform for the next ten years.

I'm hoping that by typing this out, it will stop me from filling it out and sending it in.

Also, you should be very grateful that I am typing this for you. It costs eleven dollars to tabulate each survey! I am saving the RNC a lot of money. (And, I'm not even asking you for a donation. You're welcome.)

Please answer honestly. For each question, we should reply: Yes, No, or Undecided.

Domestic and International Security

1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attack on America?

3. Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations, and all government buildings, including monuments and museums?

Economic Issues

4. Should the inheritance or "Death Tax" be permanently repealed?

5. Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy?

6. Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending? Blogger's note: Wasteful? Like what? One wonders.

Education Issues

7. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to stores local control of education?

8. Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards?

9. Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?

Social Issues

10. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need?

11. Do you support the law, passed by the Republican Congress and signed by President Bush, that bans partial-birth abortions?

12. Do you support the President's efforts to save Social Security for future generations?

13. Do you think Congress should pass legislation on the Federal Marriage Amendment?

Defense Issues

14. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations' commanders?

15. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

16. Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missile attack?

I look forward to hearing your responses on any of these issues.

Dear Trent Lott,

I understand that you don't read blogs, and never will. I read this in Time magazine. I wanted to commend you on your open-mindedness, and your acute understanding that there are no blogs whose main topic isn't exposing your misdeeds.

Obviously, all blogs are about you. You, and only you.

I admit it. You're the only thing I think about, day and night. Night and day. You are a smoldering tower of masculinity and political prowess and I carry you around inside me like an extra organ.

I need you, Trent.

Please, I beg of you.

Read my blog. If you did, I'd update it more than once a month like I do now.

Love always,

Sanuvia