Dear Ex-Fiancee,
Asalaamu alaykum. I hope that you are well.
I'm sure, if you are reading this at all, that you disapprove of my writing to you in this way.
It's only that I wanted to thank you. Yes, our relationship ended badly. But in the process of knowing and losing you, I learned some important lessons about myself. I've grown closer to God (although not in the way that you wanted). I learned that I could be loved for myself, in all of my ridiculousness and passion and error. I learned that I could not compromise myself--not for love, not for you, not for anyone.
You taught me what it means to love, even though, at the end, you did so through lessons in opposites.
If I had not been so miserable, so alone, as a result of your decisions, I could not be so surprised at my happiness today.
Today I am happy. Even if it doesn't last, I'm happy--within myself, and in my relationships with those around me.
And I wish for as much happiness to come to you, with all my heart.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
as if everything led to this moment
It's 2:32 a.m.
I just got home.
Three hours ago, I was waiting on Main Street for a man I first wrote to on Tuesday, picking out his shape from the end of the block.
Every now and then in my life, I've felt a compulsion to do something, to go somewhere, as if it were a necessity, as though a magnet were embedded in this one moment in my life.
While it made no logical sense, I had to go tonight, in the same way that I knew I had to write to him. I couldn't say why it had to be tonight, at 11:30 (or why he even thought this was a good idea), in a town where we had no other option than to walk in the cold, or go to a bar. (We did both.)
I remember, the morning after breaking up with The Ex, asking God why this had happened to me.
I think God actually answered me.
I realized about an hour into our conversation that this man was trying to tell me he was a Muslim, and was desperately afraid I'd find it creepy. Given the fact that we'd both just been in a bar, this was actually rather comforting--although he initially thought I was joking when I told him that I had converted a year and a half ago.
He also thinks that Radar is adorable (in photographs).
In conclusion, I just went on a date with a dog-loving, liberal screenwriter who enjoys boxing, James Joyce, and appears to be the same sort of Muslim I proclaimed myself to be in my last post.
Also, he thinks I'm really funny.
When I awake from the coma that I must be deeply within, someone please remind me of this dream I had. I want to remember it.
I just got home.
Three hours ago, I was waiting on Main Street for a man I first wrote to on Tuesday, picking out his shape from the end of the block.
Every now and then in my life, I've felt a compulsion to do something, to go somewhere, as if it were a necessity, as though a magnet were embedded in this one moment in my life.
While it made no logical sense, I had to go tonight, in the same way that I knew I had to write to him. I couldn't say why it had to be tonight, at 11:30 (or why he even thought this was a good idea), in a town where we had no other option than to walk in the cold, or go to a bar. (We did both.)
I remember, the morning after breaking up with The Ex, asking God why this had happened to me.
I think God actually answered me.
I realized about an hour into our conversation that this man was trying to tell me he was a Muslim, and was desperately afraid I'd find it creepy. Given the fact that we'd both just been in a bar, this was actually rather comforting--although he initially thought I was joking when I told him that I had converted a year and a half ago.
He also thinks that Radar is adorable (in photographs).
In conclusion, I just went on a date with a dog-loving, liberal screenwriter who enjoys boxing, James Joyce, and appears to be the same sort of Muslim I proclaimed myself to be in my last post.
Also, he thinks I'm really funny.
When I awake from the coma that I must be deeply within, someone please remind me of this dream I had. I want to remember it.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Positive Self-Therapy Results
It is now the fourth snow day in a row for my school district. The roads are largely clear, although the ground itself is covered in a layer of frozen slush inches thick. It looks like snow, but it is, in fact, merely a snow imposter.
What have I been doing on my days off? Largely, I've been drinking liquids and staying in bed to combat the sinus infection I woke up with on Tuesday. But I've also been working diligently at my Getting Over Him Campaign.
The Campaign entails:
1. Finish CD.
2. Look fabulous.
3. Search for new man.
Where does a girl go to look for a man in Culpeper, Virginia? Since everyone in Culpeper is either married or unappealing, I decided to look online. This would horrify The Ex, because he felt it was imperative that I look exclusively in the Muslim community for a new man.
Right. Because that worked out so well the last time.
(What I am thankful for, in the absence of an impending wedding, is the luxury I now have to explore my own religious inclinations without having someone breathing down my neck explaining everything that I should be. I never really desired to be more Muslim than I ever saw The Ex being back in the day. Therefore, that is what I am going to do, in addition to considering dating non-Muslims.)
I figured that, by looking around for men online, I could get a sense of what was out there. At the very least, I thought I could reenter my single life knowing there are, in fact, men out there in the world who are decent, intelligent and single. I needed to have that kind of hope. After the break-up, I was consumed with the notion that all of the good men were taken, and I would be left alone, childless, and wrinkly.
It should be noted that I engaged in a similar project in the summer of 2002, and that I know how to operate with caution. I made a friend that summer that I still keep in contact with. If I could find one more good friend, I thought, I would consider the therapy a success.
I have learned several things during my snow days. First and foremost, there are still good men out there--interesting men with proficient grammar skills. If I play my cards correctly, I may end up wrinkly in someone's company.
Secondly, I've learned that there are some real duds out there. For example, a man wrote to me to see if I was interested in him, even though he had listed "brainiacs" as his one and only turn-off. I responded to let him know that I was very much a brainiac, and that he probably wouldn't like me. He wrote back, "i dont care that you got brains."
Well, then.
The last story is superseded only by the man who listed, under three things he could not live without: Sexual Touching. Yikes!
Lastly, I have a definite crush. I like my crush. It's like a fledgling bird that I have to cradle in my hands to protect it.
Evidence exists that my crush is not a one-sided crush.
More details as they become available.
What have I been doing on my days off? Largely, I've been drinking liquids and staying in bed to combat the sinus infection I woke up with on Tuesday. But I've also been working diligently at my Getting Over Him Campaign.
The Campaign entails:
1. Finish CD.
2. Look fabulous.
3. Search for new man.
Where does a girl go to look for a man in Culpeper, Virginia? Since everyone in Culpeper is either married or unappealing, I decided to look online. This would horrify The Ex, because he felt it was imperative that I look exclusively in the Muslim community for a new man.
Right. Because that worked out so well the last time.
(What I am thankful for, in the absence of an impending wedding, is the luxury I now have to explore my own religious inclinations without having someone breathing down my neck explaining everything that I should be. I never really desired to be more Muslim than I ever saw The Ex being back in the day. Therefore, that is what I am going to do, in addition to considering dating non-Muslims.)
I figured that, by looking around for men online, I could get a sense of what was out there. At the very least, I thought I could reenter my single life knowing there are, in fact, men out there in the world who are decent, intelligent and single. I needed to have that kind of hope. After the break-up, I was consumed with the notion that all of the good men were taken, and I would be left alone, childless, and wrinkly.
It should be noted that I engaged in a similar project in the summer of 2002, and that I know how to operate with caution. I made a friend that summer that I still keep in contact with. If I could find one more good friend, I thought, I would consider the therapy a success.
I have learned several things during my snow days. First and foremost, there are still good men out there--interesting men with proficient grammar skills. If I play my cards correctly, I may end up wrinkly in someone's company.
Secondly, I've learned that there are some real duds out there. For example, a man wrote to me to see if I was interested in him, even though he had listed "brainiacs" as his one and only turn-off. I responded to let him know that I was very much a brainiac, and that he probably wouldn't like me. He wrote back, "i dont care that you got brains."
Well, then.
The last story is superseded only by the man who listed, under three things he could not live without: Sexual Touching. Yikes!
Lastly, I have a definite crush. I like my crush. It's like a fledgling bird that I have to cradle in my hands to protect it.
Evidence exists that my crush is not a one-sided crush.
More details as they become available.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Final Mix
When I have some sort of difficulty in my life (i.e. breaking off an engagement), I like to spend preposterous amounts of time organizing music to reflect my feelings. Usually, once I can listen to how I'm feeling, I can better deal with it. This was true long ago, when I was organizing music to tell my former fiancee that I loved him without actually saying it out loud. (I skipped this phase in high school.)
I really appreciate all the suggestions for break-up songs that people gave me here. I still have to check a few of them out. I didn't end up using any of them because they weren't quite right (it's amazing how each relationship has its own specific imprint), but I'd love to hear any more suggestions. Music is the most inexpensive therapy out there.
Here's my setlist:
Prelude
1. "Set Fire to the Third Bar," Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright
Miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms.
2. "Hey Jupiter," Tori Amos
3. "You Only Disappear," Tom McRae
Tom McRae is a genius--and he's British. I wonder if he's single? This
is the best song no one's heard.
4. "How It Ends," DeVotchka
You already know how this will end.
Ceremony
5. "Last Goodbye," Jeff Buckley
6. "Let Him Fly," Patty Griffin
It would take an acrobat
But I've already tried all that.
7. "Delicate," Damien Rice
8. "Into the Ocean," Blue October
9. "Ocean Breathes Salty," Modest Mouse
For your sake, I hope heaven and hell are really there
But I wouldn't hold my breath.
10. "Dare You to Move," Switchfoot
This is the song I listen to when I'm sad in any situation. It actually makes me move.
11. "Sailed On," Landon Pigg
12. "Forget It," Breaking Benjamin
Forget it--just memory
on a page inside a spiral notebook.
13. "Smoke," Ben Folds Five
Leaf by leaf and page by page
Throw this book away.
14. "U + Ur Hand," P!nk
Yes, everything that the title implies. This is the token Angry Song.
Crazy what you could've had.
16. "Headlights," Albatross
17. "Always on Your Side," Sheryl Crow and Sting
When this song originally came out, I would hear it on the radio while driving to work. I was embarrassed that it moved me so much, much less that I always cried.
18. "The Guy That Says Goodbye to You is Out of His Mind," Griffin House
The first time I heard this song was live, on the South Side of Pittsburgh, just before I started my relationship with The Ex. He was planning on going to Egypt at the time, and hearing this song made me think, for the first time, that its title was true.
I really appreciate all the suggestions for break-up songs that people gave me here. I still have to check a few of them out. I didn't end up using any of them because they weren't quite right (it's amazing how each relationship has its own specific imprint), but I'd love to hear any more suggestions. Music is the most inexpensive therapy out there.
Here's my setlist:
Prelude
1. "Set Fire to the Third Bar," Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright
Miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms.
2. "Hey Jupiter," Tori Amos
3. "You Only Disappear," Tom McRae
Tom McRae is a genius--and he's British. I wonder if he's single? This
is the best song no one's heard.
4. "How It Ends," DeVotchka
You already know how this will end.
Ceremony
5. "Last Goodbye," Jeff Buckley
6. "Let Him Fly," Patty Griffin
It would take an acrobat
But I've already tried all that.
7. "Delicate," Damien Rice
8. "Into the Ocean," Blue October
9. "Ocean Breathes Salty," Modest Mouse
For your sake, I hope heaven and hell are really there
But I wouldn't hold my breath.
10. "Dare You to Move," Switchfoot
This is the song I listen to when I'm sad in any situation. It actually makes me move.
11. "Sailed On," Landon Pigg
12. "Forget It," Breaking Benjamin
Forget it--just memory
on a page inside a spiral notebook.
13. "Smoke," Ben Folds Five
Leaf by leaf and page by page
Throw this book away.
14. "U + Ur Hand," P!nk
Yes, everything that the title implies. This is the token Angry Song.
Postlude
15. "Country Feedback," REMCrazy what you could've had.
16. "Headlights," Albatross
17. "Always on Your Side," Sheryl Crow and Sting
When this song originally came out, I would hear it on the radio while driving to work. I was embarrassed that it moved me so much, much less that I always cried.
18. "The Guy That Says Goodbye to You is Out of His Mind," Griffin House
The first time I heard this song was live, on the South Side of Pittsburgh, just before I started my relationship with The Ex. He was planning on going to Egypt at the time, and hearing this song made me think, for the first time, that its title was true.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
There is Always Reason to Hope.
One of the joys of being student council advisor at my school is the organization of candy-grams. Here are the (essential) contents to two cards, each sent from the same child to the same recipient, that we read while previewing them for negative or derogatory comments.
First card:
I wanted to ask you out today but I was too scared. I hope that you will think about it. I really like you.
Second card:
I'm sending you this card to make sure that I get my point across.
***
A little obsessive, but you have to admire the persistence.
I remember when the possibility of falling in love had all of that same sharpness, all of that danger.
Unfortunately, it was today.
Here's hoping that all works out well for the middle school lovers, and the rest of us.
First card:
I wanted to ask you out today but I was too scared. I hope that you will think about it. I really like you.
Second card:
I'm sending you this card to make sure that I get my point across.
***
A little obsessive, but you have to admire the persistence.
I remember when the possibility of falling in love had all of that same sharpness, all of that danger.
Unfortunately, it was today.
Here's hoping that all works out well for the middle school lovers, and the rest of us.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Wind Chill Delay
Given the blessing of a two hour wind chill delay tomorrow morning, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect on some of the events--and triumphs!--that have occurred in the last two weeks, since I've been single.
First of all, just moments ago, I finally managed to get the sock out of the vacuum cleaner. It took about an hour of adjusting a coat hanger with a pair of pliers. That's the triumph part. I like knowing that I'm a young woman who can figure something like this out without too much assistance.
As luck would have it, Valentine's Day looms around the corner. While I was shopping this weekend, I couldn't help but notice all the signs for bridal shows, all the glittery jewelry sales. All the couples walking hand-in-hand. But I don't actually feel angry or bitter. This may be because the best Valentine's Day of my life remains the time that I was in Toronto, eating at Burger King with my (then) best friend Mike. When the height of Valentine's Day romance for you happened with somebody who doesn't find girls sexually attractive, it's hard to be disappointed.
Valentine's Day. The other teachers at school are throwing a bridal shower for the other two girls in my hallway who are engaged. It was supposed to have been my party, too. Hence, the guidance counselor pulled me into her office to warn me in advance, and make sure that I was okay enough to handle it.
Of course, whenever anyone asks me if I'm okay, I burst into tears. I could win the lottery, and if someone asked me that question, I'd still cry. After getting my head examined for a while, she pronounced that I am dealing in positive ways with my hurt.
Here are some ways that I am doing this.
1. Eating chocolate.
2. Talking to my friends.
3. Taking mini-vacations.
4. Exercising.
5. Snuggling with my dog.
6. Writing.
7. Reading good books.
8. Napping.
9. Taking baths with fizzy bath salts and confetti.
10. Buying fuzzy socks.
11. Watching romantic comedies. And Million Dollar Baby.
12. Developing an inexplicable crush on Clint Eastwood.
13. Cruising the internet for available men.
14. Planning parties for five hundred middle school students. I am not making this up. It was actually a big success.
15. Organizing a mixed CD of break-up songs (forthcoming).
16. Applying for new jobs and prestigious writing fellowships, just for fun.
17. Staying hydrated.
I am wondering: A. If anyone has any other suggestions that have been helpful for them in dealing with the end of a relationship and B. If you might have any song ideas to contribute to my CD compilation.
And, please, stay warm.
First of all, just moments ago, I finally managed to get the sock out of the vacuum cleaner. It took about an hour of adjusting a coat hanger with a pair of pliers. That's the triumph part. I like knowing that I'm a young woman who can figure something like this out without too much assistance.
As luck would have it, Valentine's Day looms around the corner. While I was shopping this weekend, I couldn't help but notice all the signs for bridal shows, all the glittery jewelry sales. All the couples walking hand-in-hand. But I don't actually feel angry or bitter. This may be because the best Valentine's Day of my life remains the time that I was in Toronto, eating at Burger King with my (then) best friend Mike. When the height of Valentine's Day romance for you happened with somebody who doesn't find girls sexually attractive, it's hard to be disappointed.
Valentine's Day. The other teachers at school are throwing a bridal shower for the other two girls in my hallway who are engaged. It was supposed to have been my party, too. Hence, the guidance counselor pulled me into her office to warn me in advance, and make sure that I was okay enough to handle it.
Of course, whenever anyone asks me if I'm okay, I burst into tears. I could win the lottery, and if someone asked me that question, I'd still cry. After getting my head examined for a while, she pronounced that I am dealing in positive ways with my hurt.
Here are some ways that I am doing this.
1. Eating chocolate.
2. Talking to my friends.
3. Taking mini-vacations.
4. Exercising.
5. Snuggling with my dog.
6. Writing.
7. Reading good books.
8. Napping.
9. Taking baths with fizzy bath salts and confetti.
10. Buying fuzzy socks.
11. Watching romantic comedies. And Million Dollar Baby.
12. Developing an inexplicable crush on Clint Eastwood.
13. Cruising the internet for available men.
14. Planning parties for five hundred middle school students. I am not making this up. It was actually a big success.
15. Organizing a mixed CD of break-up songs (forthcoming).
16. Applying for new jobs and prestigious writing fellowships, just for fun.
17. Staying hydrated.
I am wondering: A. If anyone has any other suggestions that have been helpful for them in dealing with the end of a relationship and B. If you might have any song ideas to contribute to my CD compilation.
And, please, stay warm.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Girl in a Pink Coat
I went to the library to return my books the other day, and then to locate a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird for one of my students (his mother had returned it before he was finished, and he insisted that he could only read this particular copy).
As I was turning down the K-M aisle, I noticed a little, brown-skinned girl in a pink, puffy coat entering the aisle next to mine, her black hair done up in pigtails, dragging her fingertips of her left hand along the spines of the books. In general, I'm fascinated by watching children in public, but I found myself smiling more than usual at this one. She seemed so focused on the books, so content to be in the library.
She looked like I had imagined my daughter would have looked like, if.
Thankfully, the seven copies of To Kill a Mockingbird were located on the very bottom shelf where I could actually reach them. I crouched down and started looking for the version with "big print!" that would signal I'd found my student's preferred version.
I heard footsteps, and turned to see the same little girl, plodding her way down my aisle, still touching the books with her left hand. She seemed oblivious to my presence, so I moved closer to my own shelf to let her by.
When she passed me, she patted my back with her hand. As if comforting me. Or saying goodbye.
As I was turning down the K-M aisle, I noticed a little, brown-skinned girl in a pink, puffy coat entering the aisle next to mine, her black hair done up in pigtails, dragging her fingertips of her left hand along the spines of the books. In general, I'm fascinated by watching children in public, but I found myself smiling more than usual at this one. She seemed so focused on the books, so content to be in the library.
She looked like I had imagined my daughter would have looked like, if.
Thankfully, the seven copies of To Kill a Mockingbird were located on the very bottom shelf where I could actually reach them. I crouched down and started looking for the version with "big print!" that would signal I'd found my student's preferred version.
I heard footsteps, and turned to see the same little girl, plodding her way down my aisle, still touching the books with her left hand. She seemed oblivious to my presence, so I moved closer to my own shelf to let her by.
When she passed me, she patted my back with her hand. As if comforting me. Or saying goodbye.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
The Wrong Frequency
I am not making this up. I swear.
Since I moved to Virginia, I've been frustrated by my inability to set my radio alarm clock to a station that I could actually hear. I would get strange weather reports from New Jersey, muffled with static.
Sometimes, R&B hits. Sometimes, classics from the seventies.
All this, without ever changing the channel.
Quite frankly, it disturbed me.
Last week, when I woke up, I looked at the clock and realized that it had been set to AM instead of FM. For a year and a half.
I flipped the switch, and the sound came through clearly.
Since I moved to Virginia, I've been frustrated by my inability to set my radio alarm clock to a station that I could actually hear. I would get strange weather reports from New Jersey, muffled with static.
Sometimes, R&B hits. Sometimes, classics from the seventies.
All this, without ever changing the channel.
Quite frankly, it disturbed me.
Last week, when I woke up, I looked at the clock and realized that it had been set to AM instead of FM. For a year and a half.
I flipped the switch, and the sound came through clearly.
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